Waiting patiently

No Negative Nancy's*

2011-02-05T11:51:00.005-05:00

The past few months seem like a crazy whirl wind of experiences, lessons learned, and valuable memories. Fall semester and J-term have come and gone. Now the final countdown of Spring semester has commenced and then my Taylor chapter will close and a new beginning will start. While this semester will be intense (and honestly, I'm a little nervous about it), I feel ready for the challenge and exhilarated by the chance to produce an awesome senior paper and do a victory dance when I'm finished with it. :)

I'm opinionated person. That's not anything new. I think deeply and a lot. Added to my passionate self, this creates a over zealous and stubborn opinion on ideas. It's good and bad at the same time. Over all, I have learned how to listen and mold what I think based on new points of views and developments, but I still stick to what I believe.

Now there's nothing wrong with that. It's probably a good thing that I stand for what I believe in, but there's a point when opinionated becomes cynicism and cynicism leads to negativity. Take J-term for example: It was a great trip. I learned a lot, made great memories, and got to know people better. But what do I tell people about the trip? That is was the weirdest trip I've ever been on, that is a super unorganized, that I didn't (and still don't) understand it's purpose, that I would have led it differently.

Or take Chapel: On a normal bases, chapel at Taylor is a great experience. It's refreshing for my soul. I love the fellowship of worshipping with the rest of the student body. I am challenged to grow in my relationship with God and have a great opportunity to worship God. But what ends up being the topic of lunch and dinner conversations? How the chapel songs were weird. Or the band leader was awkward. The speaker's message didn't make any sense and how cheesy ending 90's songs are. We talk about how we would have worded something differently and how a minor point was just wrong.

Or this PSTRAT paper: It's going to be wonderful learning all about ministry and the potential for building relationships between the urban and suburban believers. By the end, I will be proud of the paper and able to give it to potential employers. I will learn a deeper and broader level of the Kingdom of God, God's love for the poor, and the unity found in the body of Christ. I get to hang with CE-ers and create large bonding times writing this enormous thing. But what do I tell people about: All the requirements for it, how much time it will take and how I won't have a life, how I don't really understand how my prof grades, how I don't find him very encouraging yet, and how it's just a huge pain and going to take over my life and I will never graduate.

And the scary thing is, the negativity is not just coming from me. The majority of people around me are in the same boat. We feed off of each other's complaining and negative comments- and loving every moment of it. It consumes our thoughts, consumes our conversations, and consumes our actions. It's everywhere in our society- an epidemic ready to kill.

But, it's supposed to be different for those who follow Jesus. Philippians 4:8 says "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- thing about such things." One of the surest ways people will see and know that believers are different is through what they say. If they were in our conversations, would they see a difference? Would they see love that we have for each other? Or love of life and the responsibility and privileges God gives us? And are we glorifying God through our thoughts and conversations? "Whatever you do, whatever in word or deed, do it all for the glory of Christ."

So the questions I ask myself are "What happened to my optimism?" and "Why do I only focus on the bad things?" "How am I glorifying Jesus? How am I different from the world?" Maybe it's time we all asked these questions.

*My mom's name is Nancy. I am not implying that she is negative. It just happens to be a phrase that was unjust made with her name. :)

Object lesson from a chopped hand

2010-10-16T19:55:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't know, or more correctly, who actually care- over Labor Day weekend, I went home and there waiting for me was Cali (ie Caliente). :) She is a beauty of car with a good chunk of character. She and I are getting to know each other and I must say, I'm pretty fond of her. So there's for a late update on that crazy part of life.

About 2 weeks ago, I was making guac and in the process of getting the nut out of the avocado, I stabbed my hand. Awesome, right? It was my left hand, which just happens to be my dominant hand. Even cooler. Add on top of that that the cut was really deep, but not long, and you've got one stitch on the palm that had to be all bandaged up so that everything would heal correctly. How pathetic is that? Real pathetic. But the worst part of the whole thing was how humbling the experience was and I was reminded of my dependence upon God. Have a gimp hand for a week and it teaches you patience and humility and makes you deeply appreciate the blessings and health that God has given you.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. See the same day as when I stabbed my hand, there had been 2 instances of talk about 1 Corinthians 12, in which Paul uses the image of the body to describe the church and its spiritual gifts. Literally all week, I read and hear 1 Corinthians 12 either in class, chapel, or mentioned by a friend. The greatest time hit me when my good ol' professor Bob emailed me about my hand and what it was teaching me about the body of Christ. It hit me like a brick wall. Do I really appreciate the body of Christ in the sense of allowing others to really excel and being OK with that? Am I using the gifts and talents that God has given my fellow classmates, friends, family, church members and co-workers? The answer was "no." My eyes are now tuned to it and I am realizing that probably one of the reasons Paul talks so much about unity is because unity is the biggest problem in the Church. It's the deadliest threat and the first thing to break in any difficult or good situation. My desire and hope, especially as I will soon hopefully enter into full time ministry soon, is to be a person willing to delegate, listen, respect, and above all be humble enough to be OK with others ideas, debates, and talents. I never want to be doing ministry fully on my own. It's no fun that way and it's not the way of Christ.

If all we needed was to find the princess....

2010-08-16T13:24:00.004-04:00

It's interesting how ironic some learning experiences can be. This past summer, Grace did a series of finances and at the leadership summit, I was reconvicted that when things get rough, that's when I need to cling to Jesus the most. I am thankful to have learned this early on in my life, but it's so easy to forget when you are filled with the blessings on God and nothing is really going wrong.

This past week and a half have been stretching in area that I've never truly had to deal with before. My car was totaled and my computer crashed in the same week. Note that I go back to school on Wednesday and start classes 2 weeks from today. I've had to buy a bike and books for classes and apply for this year's loan too. So it's all been awesome timing, but then again, when is it ever good? I'm learning what it means to trust God for all financial needs and really starting to grasp that since God owns it all, it is his to give to us or take away. While he may not provide us with $5000, he does give us all our needs.

Each day I've been learning something. Small or large. Funny or serious.

It's quite annoying trying to rent a car when your under 25. You can do it, but it sure is a hassle that may be best not to mess with.
When going on a bike ride, it's best to have more than coffee, an Oram's donut, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You need more substance, especially when you decide to ride in 90 degree weather with 80% humidity.
Everytime I'm home, I difficulty remember that PA is not like IN. It's a much higher altitude and has hills. What are the odds? Makes it much more difficult on the heart and breathing when you're not used to it. :)
Watching Inception 3 times will do something wierd to your brain.
The line between want and need becomes very fine when deciding between a Dell and a Mac.
Patience is something I will continually be learning about throughout my lifetime. Given the circumstances (like not hearing about money for my car 2 days before I leave), I'm terribly impatient. I also can't stand waiting in lines.
Parents are wonderful people.
Super Mario Brothers is a great way to get out frustration. It's also a great way to give you more frustration. :)

I know that all I need to do it trust God in each and every situation. He cares about our money, our schedule, and the characteristics we know we need to change. He's got it covered and all he askes is that we follow his leading.

Crashed Weekends and Bittersweet Spaces

2010-08-09T21:21:00.005-04:00

After an eventful weekend, full of ups and downs (with more downs than ups), I am home from one of the best summers I have ever had. In short, my poor car got smashed (and the accident ended two cars ahead of me) on Saturday by a pregnant woman. And while it's super frustrating, especially since I had to fly home today and am not in Indiana to be with Guapo, I can't help but think about what I learned at the leadership summit. God sure has a way of making you practice what you learn. So, I will trust that everything will work out, that God is in control, and pray for a fixed/new car and possibly $5000 (The money because one of my friends got that much from an accident. Hey- it's worth a try, right? :-)) I'm just glad to be home at this point and ready to soak in the next week and a half of nothing before going back to school.

All in all, this whole week has been extremely bittersweet. I have fond memories of the experiences I had at Grace and the friends that I made. God was made new and fresh to me in a way I had been missing out on for a while. I have discovered new passions and desires in my life that I didn't know were there. For example, I love being challenged and am not satisfied with easy answers. I never want to think that I know everything about my faith. I always want to turn hard questions over in order to come closer to the truth or to be affirmed in what I already believe.

Second, I love (and possibly crave) experiences that take me out of my comfort zone. I want to go places where God is clearly present and where love is desperately needed. I will not be satisfied with staying in my comfort zone and I plan on taking people with me. Some day, I hope to be so compelled that people can't help but come with me into places they've never been before and meeting people they would never otherwise meet. I really don't know what all this means, but I fully hope to develop this desire (and maybe a direction for life) in the next year. This is because if I would describe the summer in any way, it would be that I have come out not having a clue with what to do with my life besides that I know that I'm called to love God and love others through full time ministry. Awesome. So direction? I could use some.

And for now, I just feels weird being in this spot of my life. I'm heading into my senior year of college. Weird. Seriously, where did time go? Next thing you know, I'm going to have life 5 kids in the back of a mini van. But for real, the world is at my fingertips; I'm in a place where there are endless possibilities and that's awesome and scary all at once. But, no worries. I'm not going to at least because I still have 9 months, am going to FULLY enjoy my senior year (in every sense) and know that if my ears are tuned for God's whisperings, He will give me direction and I will know what He wants me to do with him. And right now, that's finish school. :-)

Walking with Jesus

2010-07-16T21:17:00.004-04:00

This past week, I walked with Jesus and I..... learned... listened... stretched... grew... loved...

A group of 23 Access members went to Toronto to find Jesus. He is exactly what we found- in the person, conversations, and experiences. We saw Jesus in the people we met and we were Jesus to those who needed him. And because I could probably write a novel about everything that I saw and experienced, this post will be in bullet point. :-)

Brian was a homeless man who got to eat a hotdog and fries finally after a long day. All he wanted in the world was a bed.
Sindiswa had been in prison with Nelson Mandella (yup, that's right). She was one of the smartest, intelligent, and hospitable women I have ever met. I deeply appreciate and respect her view of life and politics. And she gave me a free mug. :-)
Gary was a man who struggled with language, drugs, and alcohol, but loved Jesus the best he knew how. He knew the Bible better than most people I know, but I have never heard Jesus talked about correctly while still using the F bomb every 2 words.
There's something freeing when caucasions are dancing with others at an African festival.
Community dinners are by far better than having food all to yourself.
Loneliness kills. Community revives.
Which is more broken: a prostitute who must give away her body to survive? Or the girl at the club who freely gives it away?
All people should be loved, respected, and shown dignity. Even if their bedroom is outside.
Everyone has a story. Everyone wants to share their story. Not everyone gets to share it.
Jesus is everywhere, no matter how broken the world seems. Hope rises.
If you want to learn about joy and purity, hang out with a child.
If you want to have the ultimate time of your life, play with a pool with many children.
Sometimes loving someone means helping them rob a bag a chips for their hummus. :-)
People are attracted to those who can stay pure and have a good time- like playing duck duck goose in the middle of a city, crawling through a cardboard sign, or climbing on construction poles.
Which do we want: someone to say "the prayer" or a changed heart?
When it comes to communion, I want a whole lot of Jesus.
Death is the worst and ultimate evil. The good news is that Jesus has conquered death!
Life is good. Life should be celebrated. It's good to be alive!
Jesus keeps us safe. Simple, yet so true.
Wisdom comes from hard and difficult trials.
There is beauty in painting next to a homeless homosexual man.
If the church isn't caring, loving, and hospitable to someone, they will find that community somewhere else.
The church should be accepting of any new believer, no matter where they are in life. But it shouldn't be satisfied in keeping them there.
Peace is found in the simplest of interactions.
We are all beggars. Some of us just know where to find the bread.

Ho-Lee-Chow, I could go on. I am just in awe of my Savior and the life he has given me. Love wins.

Denying your cross?

2010-07-01T21:26:00.005-04:00

I tell you, people at Grace really make you think. I think I'm reading the most books I have never read at one time this summer and it's awesome! I have never been so challenged to consider why I believe what I believe or how I believe what I believe like I am this summer. What does it mean to say that Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life? Am I modern or postmodern in my thinking? How does the way I live and think and the way others think and live affect how I evangelize? What is evangelism? These are just a few of the craziness going on in my head. I want to specifically talk about one part of the thoughts right now.

Jesus says this in his gospels: "²⁴Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ²⁵For whoever wants to save his life^a]">will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)

The interns just finished Greg Paul's book, God in the Alley. Seriously people, this is a must read. The tag line is "Being and seeing Jesus in a broken world" and it's a collection of stories from Sanctuary, a church community in Toronto, that illustrate ways to see and be Jesus outside of common normalities. One of the guys is Patrick, whose story sounds like hell. But he tells it to students each day who come to learn about the community. Each day, he goes through the pain of his story for the benefit of Jesus and the students. Each day it hurts. And each day, his story is being redeemed. It's his way of denying himself and taking up his cross.

I get all of that. And I like it a lot. But what in the world does it mean for the person who has grown up in the church, loves and follows Jesus the best way they know how, completely understands that they are sinful and have been forgiven, and never experienced any terrible part of their walk of faith or "major" rebellion? I mean, practically, day to day, how do they daily take up their cross and deny themselves? I asked this today and was not satisfied the the answer. I get that eventually they will have to deal with something difficult and that at some point they are going to need to spread their wings and move out of their comfort zone. And yes, they do need to be using their gifts and talents. But is using gifts and talents, things that we should enjoy and be happy to share with others, really ways to deny self and take up a cross? To deny our self and take up our cross is not pleasant in any means. It's dealing with pain and suffering- all the ugly persecuting things that sane people will push away from.

So I'm left with my original question. Does it mean trucking through day to day life no matter how boring, mundane, or exciting it is? I definitely think there is a way- I'm just trying to figure out what it looks like.

Packing in a Summer of Experience

2010-06-04T21:27:00.003-04:00

It's been two weeks since I started my internship and it seems like I've learned more than at a month of school and met more people than in the first semester of coming to Taylor. Needless to say, after two weeks, it's clear: I'm loving my internship and I'm loving the people.

Grace is huge. A whopping 6000 attenders huge. Danny, a fellow intern, has decided that he feels like he works in an airport. It might not be an airport, but it is large and it's awesome hearing about what God has done at Grace and what he is still doing. I work in Student Ministries, which includes middle school, high school, and 18-25 yr olds.

I don't even know where to start to describe what I'm learning and what I'm doing. As the Access (college and graduate age) intern, I am doing an incredible amount: co-leading the freshmen small group, teaching at multiple Worship Gatherings, helping plan the Toronto and Haiti mission trips, planning socials, meeting one-on-one with people, getting things ready for the meetings, working on databases. I'm so excited about the breath and depth to all of it. I'm loving working in the SM office. The people are 1. awesome 2. super cool (I mean, what do you expect from people who work with students?) and 3. hilarious. I feel completely at home with them and love that I can dish out as much as they throw at me. There are some great people here.

There are 4 other interns too. 2 of them work with Grace Kids Company, 1 with Fuse (middle school) and 1 with Worship Arts. Each Thursday, we have Round Table together where we discuss and dig into hard topics with a purpose of falling more in love with Jesus and being apart of his Kingdom. When the first questions are "What are the way, the truth, and the life and how are they related," you know that Thursday mornings are going to be a highlight even if your brain is full for a whole day by 10:30 am. I'll probably end up blogging a lot about the discussions happening over Round Table.

As interns, we also get the opportunity to shadow the other ministries within the church. This will be a neat and valuable experience to observe the whole of the church and how each small branch of the church works for the overall purpose. Just like it should be in the body of Christ. With Danny, I shadowed GKC, which is more of the main reasons families come to Grace and after being with the team for a day, it's no wonder. That thing is a huge well oiled machine with it's 15 team members, 900 volunteers, and 300 kids 0-2 yrs old alone on a given weekend. Grace has one of the most unique and strong childrens' ministry that I have seen or heard of. It takes awhile to explain but pretty much kids (starting at infants) are learning how to do church, having a main large group worship time and then a small group time. It's incredible and something that I wish more churches were able to do. This Sunday, I will actually get to see it in action. Sunday will also my first Access Worship Gathering- bring it on.

What I really wish is that I could journal throughout my day about things before moving on to another. This is turning out to be one of my favorite summers. God is really doing something in my heart and I don't know if that's just healing it and making it stronger in order to be given out to other or what. Whatever he's doing, it is so good.

The Almost Real World- Day 1

2010-05-24T15:43:00.003-04:00

I started my internship today and I am completely exhausted, but so excited for what the summer has in store! Last night, the Access leadership team met to eat some pizza, meet each other, and talk a little bit about the summer. I am really pumped to get to know everyone- the culture and community of Access is so hospitable and authentic, which is something that they value. Along with a guy that I haven't met yet, I will be leading the freshmen small group. I have a feeling that this could potentially be the highlight of my summer because I love freshmen A LOT, am excited to teach more, and LOVE making and building new relationships. I have plenty in mind that I want to do this summer. It's going to definitely be packed with learning, experiences, conversations, planning, teaching, relationships, and direction, but I feel ready to soak it all in.

Really the only thing I'm concerned about at this point is be refreshed and not getting burned out right away. I just left Taylor on Sunday, moved in my stuff, and started the internship. I am going to need to be deliberate to get adequate rest and rejuvenation so that I can be completely present and able throughout the whole summer. I'm just praising Jesus for a boss who understands and is sensitive to others' needs.

Lightening Speed

2010-05-19T23:02:00.004-04:00

First of all, it's been quite awhile again since I posted. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I changed up the layout. Did you notice? But the sad thing is that I just spent over an hour trying to figure out how to put a picture on here and still came out unsuccessful. Ridiculous.

Secondly, some day soon I will post my Lighthouse letter. In short, it was one of the best experiences of my life and it seems like ages ago that I was there.

My goodness, this was a fast school year!! I'm sitting here, having completed my junior year, and memories from 9 months ago flood my mind. I can feel the excitement of new freshmen and a fresh start. Now it's over and I can honestly say that despite it's ups and downs, this has been my best year at college so far. After some intense figuring out times figuring out myself 1st semester, I found my groove at Taylor. I am enjoying my classes and classmates more and more. I got to live and invest in girls that make me laugh a lot and I consider my sisters. Sure, they drive me up a wall sometimes, but I still love them to death. As a wing, we had some incredibly hard circumstances to face, but I am so proud and thankful for the attitudes and presence of the girls. They are strong, capable, and so joyful even in the midst of intense trials.

Each year, there seems to be a theme to what God is teaching me. Over the course of the past three years, the overall theme has been to be faithful and trust God no matter what is happening. This year, God has been teaching me about trusting God in every situation, both great and small. He will help you get through a night and the next day on 2 hours of sleep. He will also give you strength when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and be invisible for a while after a painful break up.

I continually feel overwhelmed at the love God pours out to me each and every day, despite my lack of desire to be with him. I have had the best room on campus this year. The view from it is incredible and everyday God presented me with gifts of his handiwork. He makes some beautiful sunsets and some powerful storm clouds. Looking at those, it's hard to be anxious when you see the majesty of God and how he is in control. I have seen his love for me poured out during those quiet, dark, and lonely times too. There was one time (OK many times) when I sat in my room or in the prayer chapel and didn't have words to describe what I was feeling. I felt hurt and misunderstood, but Jesus' loving presence would wrap around me so much that I could feel his arm around me and imagine with perfect clarity him sitting next to me pouring his perfect love on me.

Human beings will always fall short. Parents, siblings, teachers, friends, boyfriends, bosses- they will all mess up at some point, so always be willing to shower them with grace and mercy. And the beautiful thing is that Jesus will never ever hurt you. He will never leave you. He will never be wishy-washy, mean, or spiteful. But he will always love, always protect, always comfort, always show grace, and always be there. How awesome is that! Seriously.

I leave Taylor on Sunday and start my practicum on Sunday. Boy, oh boy. It's going to be CRAZY!! I'm working in Noblesville, IN at Grace Community Church as the Access ministry intern. I'm pumped for a summer in full-time ministry and can't wait to learn insane amounts of things. It's also going to be pretty busy, but it's all filled with fun things. Maybe possibly, I will actually use this thing to keep up with what I'm learning. Don't hold your breath.

On a lazy afternoon

2009-12-20T15:30:00.000-05:00

Well blogger world, whoever you are (and I am convinced it is no one), it has been quite a while since we chatted and its about time for an update. I have come to believe (Ok so in the couple days) that blogging does something for processing that journal-ling doesn't. It's still in process what that is, but whatev just go with it. :-)

On life: I finished my fall semester of my junior year and I can't believe how fast it went. Seriously, maybe it was because I have never been so busy in my entire life, but I feel like it was a week ago that I was making decorations for my wing and waiting to get the craziness over. Now that it is, I have never been so happy. This was by far the hardest academic semester and the most demanding schedule, what with 17 credits, PAing, and have multiple Lighthouse practices a week. All things I enjoy, but it was insane!

As usual, the semester brought about joys and sorrows, the majority of which I am still working through. This was the best semester I have had so far at Taylor and that in itself is something to be joyful about! While in the past, God has taught me about who he is as I deal with outward circumstances, this time, I have been learning about myself and how I am suppose to follow him. I have never been so crabby for such a long time in my life and it honestly was because I was so confused by what God wanted from me and understanding how to live for him. I learned a great deal about my personality, desires, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. Let me tell you, it's exhausting, but here was the outcome (though it is still in process). I am learning to appreciate the past, be content in the present, and accept the future. A lot of this is tied up in a struggle in understanding the power of prayer. Moses was able to stop God from destroying the Israelites- how is it possible to do that and what kind of faith does it take? One thing for sure, I know that I don't have that faith. I know God can do whatever I ask, but in the back of my mind are doubts about whether those things fit into the will of God and if he will actually do it. Honestly, I'm scared to pray with authority because what if those things don't occur? Here where I'm at right now: I know that God knows my deepest desires and above that I want him to do whatever he plans (cause that's what's gonna happen anyways). I trust that God could answer my pleas how I want them, but I know that God has a bigger picture and what I might want is probably not as awesome and wonderful as what God had in store for me and those around me. God has allowed for people to come into my life, experiences to happen, and lessons learned for a purpose. He also has a reason for where I am today and he has an incredible plan for my future. I don't always have to know what to do or how to act as long as I am serving God and glorifying him and loving others. There are two verses that have been a huge encouragement to me recently: Proverbs 3:5-6 and 1 Peter 5:6-7. Look them up. They're pretty great.

On family: Since the summer, I have been really exasperated with my family. I'm really tired about how things have been going recently and how no one really talks about it. This is something that has recently really been placed on my heart, but I don't know how to deal with it. I want to be respectful and loving to all involved, but I don't really know what that looks like and so don't know how to do it. I think a large part of my problem is that I really really really despise change. I've been praying for a new attitude about it and God really has done that. I have a new perspective on the situation but know that it still needs to be addressed. Family is the core of a person. It really rocks you when it goes even slightly out of wack.

On India: I'm going to India in January!! With the semester over, it has finally hit me that this is really happening. I am so excited for the whole trip- I'm excited to bond with my team, build relationships with the YFC missionaries, and share the gospel through all sorts of performances and testimonies. God is already working in Bangalore and I can't wait to see what else he does while we are there. It's going to be one memorable wild ride. I'm ready to roll!

The Shack

2009-07-13T16:37:00.000-04:00

Today I finished reading The Shack which is written by William P. Young. This was one of the hardest books to read, but after finishing it and looking on theshackbook.com I have come to some conclusions about this book.

For those of you who don't know, The Shack is about this guy named Mack whose daughter was kidnapped by serial killer. Years later, he receives a note from God asking him to come visit Him at the shack where they found Mack's daughter Missy's dress. The book is about Mack's time at the shack and his encounter with God. In the forward, Young explains that Mack was his friend, that Mack claimed it all to be true, and that it wasn't his place to judge whether the story was true, but just to tell it. The afterward gives you an update on what has been going on since the story.

The book had a lot of good qualities about it. I definitely could resonate with some of the feelings and experiences of Mack, but there was something about it that just didn't sit well with me. It for sure made me excited about being with God, but I wonder how healthy that is. As I read the book, I wondered why this book was even published in the first place? Everything that was mentioned within it has been given to those who love Christ through the Bible, creation, and our own experience in the Holy Spirit.

So after reading it, I immediately looked up the website and was pretty saddened. One, Mack is not a real person. The whole story really is made up, but there is not one place in the book where it actually mentions that. I know that I am not the only one who thought that Mack was a real person. Part of me feels like a complete idiot for trying to have an open mind about it, but there are plenty of other people who have not looked online and are still giving Mack the benefit of the doubt. It's also super dangerous because people are saying their lives are being changed because of this book. I think a large part of that is because people think it's real. Two, there are forums where people are talking about how The Shack changed their life. I casually looked through them and saw that there was very little talk about what the Bible, which by the way, is nonfiction, has done to change them. The Shack is nonfiction made by a guy writing to his kids. Why is this seeming to have more of an effect than God's Word? Three, they have set up this thing called "The Missy Project" in which they are sending this book out all over the world in like 30 or 40 different languages. I can't help but feeling critical about this. Again, where is the Bible in all of this? Sure there are themes in The Shack that I can learn from, but it is not a substitute for the real thing.

These are the thoughts I had after I finished the book, but one main one started from the beginning of the read and really blew up by the end. My dad has been preaching a series on the Holy Spirit. On Sunday, he talked about how the Holy Spirit's main job, goal, delight was to bring glory to Jesus Christ- to show through illumination of our sin, the glories of God's Son. I kept that in the back of my head. Did this book glorify God? Or did it glorify a man's redemption process? Just reading the book, I think that it did glorify God and the majesty of who He is. Nothing within the book itself seems to go against the character of God that I see in the Bible or that I know from my time with Him. But, I do think that people have put too much emphasis on this book and that does not reflect the Holy Spirit. Fans and readers are becoming awed by this work and it's author, and I don't even think that is what Young intended for it.

I want to end letting everyone know that the book itself was a good read and that there is a lot to grasp from it. Andrew and I talked last night about how there have been other books written that shed light into some aspect of being in relationship with God that are fiction that we can learn from and shift our paradigm, but we understand that it goes along with God's Word. From this book, I have a different outlook at what it means to be in relationship with people that I didn't have before. This book has also gotten me excited about the new heavens and new earth. I really hope though that people keep in mind that this story came out of Young's imagination and is not a substitute for what we can find in the Bible.

Summer Lovin'

2009-06-23T20:17:00.000-04:00

So it's time to update this thing. Summer is in full swing and although I don't have a job, I still feel rather busy and that I have some sort of homework assignment due. False. I have none and it feels great! Honestly, I'm really enjoying not having a job. This summer is by far completely dedicated to recuperating from the past year. Mostly, I've been getting ready for my sis' wedding, which in a week and a half. Crazy. Also, I've been journaling almost everyday which I am very proud about..... and it's actually doing me some good. I definitely think that I am finally really processing things and starting to feel relaxed again.

Things I am thinking and learning about:

The Church. I recently read Shane Claiborne's Irreristable Revolution. That book is by far one of the most convicting books I have read in a long time. I really loved what Shane had to say. It was so pure and simple. I think it's funny when people say that he is part of the emergent church, which I have many concerns about, because all he is asking is for christians to be real, to actually live like Christ. That's not emergent. That's just living what we believe (like we always say we are doing, but really aren't). Not gonna lie, even as a PK, I have been pretty disappointed in the church and even just within the last week, I've experienced some sad situations in my church. I've been volunteering at VBS and basically, I have been shockingly treated pretty rudely and the whole VBS itself is not where it could be. I have never been apart of something so disorganized and where the people helping honestly did not want to be there and don't really care where they show it or not. This is something that has made me pretty angry and it takes a lot to make that happen.

But, today as I was outside working, I was really convicted about how I felt. I mean things really do need to change and it is worth being upset about, but it was consuming my thoughts. I had to laugh because that morning, one of the volunteers was telling the kiddos about the 10 commandments, especially the 'Do not murder" one which means physically and mentally. Here I was just completely consumed in thoughts of how horribly I am being treated and how the kids deserve better. But you know? We all have been there where we lack social skills and hurt relationships. I for sure played a large part in hurting relationships recently. It happens to everyone, so I must forgive. And though I really don't want to go tomorrow. I will because I know it's right. I shall press on.....

I have many more thoughts about the church and all that is related, but that would take up like 5000 blogs. Talk to me if you want to know what they are. And I would LOVE to hear your opinions!

I'm going to India in January. It hasn't really sunk in yet, but I don't expect it to until I'm there. I'm super pumped for this experience and am praying that my heart stays focused on my desire to love others, not just on the fact that I am going to a different country. As I start reading and watching the bunches of materials they have given the team, I'm getting more interested in the social injustice going on there and other places. I have always thought of myself as someone who is concerned about issues, but it's really only been recently that I have really looked into it or had a desire to change it.

I guess overall, I am just learning what it means to really follow Jesus and how I can implement that without going to Africa and stopping poverty.

Goals:

-Make a new friend that is very different than me. I had a girl all picked out whose mom just had a heart transplant and works with my mom, but that fell through. No worries though, there is still plenty of summer left. :-)

-Stay active because I don't have a job and so it can be really easy to just lounge around all day.

-Do devos and journal everyday. So far, I'm doing pretty good with this one.

-Relax and allow others to pour into me.

-Invest in my family, especially my sisters and their new husbands. This is a hard one because although I really really like my new brothers-in-law and am super happy for my sisters, part of me feels that I am being left alone and that they are taking my sisters away from me. Totally not true, but at the same time, my family will never be the same.

I do believe that is all for now. It's weird not being at camp, this summer is still turning out to be a favorite.

Procrastination

2009-05-07T22:17:00.000-04:00

I really don't understand why I don't just write in a journal instead of this thing but whatever. I'm getting bored with writing my rather large and abnoxious Pysch and Ed paper so I might as well return to this since I've fed my 10 pm hunger pains and there is pretty much no one on the wing right now.

Many ideas have been running through my head recently. This year has definetly been bombarded with a whole slew (I like that word.) ideas and issues to ponder over and question. This makes writing my paper rather difficult because everything I'm talking about (Spiritually among college students) I'm either facing or watching my friends face. Here are just a few of the things I've been thinking about: love, passion, compassion, service, social justice, race, purpose, duty, confrontation, contentment, joy, relationships, God, problems in the world, the poor, intentionality, image, responsibilty, being mentored and mentoring, truth, courage, being bold, saying exactly what I mean, being able to express emotions, friendships, and much more.

All this to say, I am very excited that it's almost summer and that as of right now I have no job. I know that when I get home, I'll get one, but it's great knowing that I can just relax and do whatever I want this summer. I think that considering that it's almost the end of the school year, summer will be a good time to process everything that I've been learning and experiencing this year. Right now everything is all disorganized in my head and I'm ready to put it together in some cohesive form. This semester has especially felt like I'm just zooming from one thing to another without anytime to really rest and it's catching up to me.

As of recently, I'm realizing how much I'm affected by the attitudes and actions of the people around me. This can be good because I can tell when people are struggling or can just get a feel for the mood and situation. But, at the same time, I can get really personal about it. I am by far a people pleaser and really hate when people are upset at me. Sometime when people seem distant or don't seem the same around me, I get super self conscious that I hurt them or did something wrong. I'm learning to be confident in what I do and say. This all sounds super egotistical, and it is, but it's also just a desire to give myself to others completely which really isn't always a good thing. People could easily step all over me.

With this, I'm seeing how horrible I am at expressing my emotions. For so long, I've been used to repressing any bad emotion and even some good. Part of this is because I don't know how to talk about myself. That sounds ridiculous right now because this entire blog has become devoted to writing about myself, but still it's true. Any time I try to express my thoughts, I always feel really confused and disjointed. But, I'm learning slowly thanks to the only reader of this silly blog. :-)

Typing all of this, I'm realizing how negative it sounds and know that past posts have sounded more down hearted too. So I want to leave this one on a good note.

In PA inservice a month ago, we were suppose to reflect on the year, so I pretty much made a pros and cons list. I was amazed to find out that I had more pros than cons and was super shoked. God is so amazing and through all that I'm learning, one big thing is that God doesn't just give us super hard things to deal with, but He intersperses encouragments too no matter how insignificant they seem. This brings me back to Psalm 23 where David says that not only will God lead through valleys of darkness but also green pastures and streams of living water. How exciting!

All this to say, I feel like myself again. I can be truly crazy again, and truly care and love again. Woohoo!

2009-03-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

Life is interesting. Seriously, anyone who considers it dull has obivously only stay in thier house and watched Winnie the Pooh over and over again. Interesting does not mean fun though. It does not mean that it's happy or that things are easy. Sure there are times when life is amazing and a party, but more often it is difficult and challenging. But it's still interesting, even thrilling.

Recently, I've been thinking alot about joy, which continues to draw me back to contentment. Joy is different from happiness. Being happy is a feeling; being joyful is a continuous state. I can be joyful even when I really messed up my Spanish exam and when I thought I got an A in Lifespan when I really got a B. I can be joyful when it seems like everything is crashing down and all I want is to get to Spring Break (5 days!). I can be joyful because I know that I am forgiven. I can be joyful because Christ is with me in every circumstance. I can be joyful because I am following my Savior.

I think this is something that Christians forget, at least I do especially recently. We get bogged down by all the horrible things that are happening in this world that we forget about the amazing things, like Christ's love, salvation, feeling the Holy Spirit, and so much more. Many times, we try to find joy in things other than Christ. That's the main problem. Only in Christ can we find joy.

In Philippians, Paul talks about "pressing on towards the goal." This is what he says: "Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14) Paul doesn't look around to his experiences, present or past, for his joy, but looks to the finish. He looks towards that prize he will recieve. There he finds his joy: in Christ Jesus and in obtaining his goal of being with Him.

Recently, I've been really moody which is really unnatural for me. I honestly think it's because I have forgotten where joy comes from. I can't depend on my day to day life to fulfill me because that defiently won't. It has to come from Christ. That is what keeps us steady. He is what makes us content.

I leave whoever you are out there with this thought: Let Christ be your joy because everything else will fade. People will disappoint you and situations aren't always wonderful. But, Christ is supreme. He reigns no matter what the situation. He is unchanging. He is with you.

Everyday Life

2009-01-11T15:29:00.000-05:00

J-term definitely has a way of making a person think. It's probably due to the fact that during it you do completely nothing and some how can muster a "legitimate" reason to say that it's alright to be a couch potato. When you've watched 8 movies, started in on all the seasons of the Office, plus played the Office DVD board game twice, and have slept more in one day than over 3 months all in one week, there gets to be a point where your brain starts to be fulfilled with many thoughts- some very random, some deep, and others are the ones that you have been pushing off for forever. Due to being a random person, this blog could be interesting and might not make complete sense. I'm also getting hungry.

So, break was great. Again, not much happened which was wonderful. It's was great to spend time with family and just relax with no responsibility or stress. By far the best part was going to Indianapolis for New Year's. But every break is never long enough and I'm always dreading going back to school. It's quite frustrating because I know that I'm supposed to be at Taylor and that there are people here who love me and are life-long friends, but I still have a super hard time coming back to this place. I was talking to my sister, Julie, about this right before I left and she made me realize something about myself that I had never really picked up on before. I've always been ready to move on and to try new things. By the end of 6th grade, I was ready to get out of middle school (but come on, who isn't?) and then half way into high school, I was ready for college. Now I'm here and have experienced it all (some things way more than I wanted to) and I'm getting antsy again. I want to get on with real life, whatever that is. How is it that I'm still just a little sophomore, but I want out?

Is it because college hasn't been the greatest experience for me? Or because I want to be doing something meaningful? In which case, am I not doing meaningful things right now? That, by far, is not true.

In chapel on Friday, the speaker talked about the mountains and plains of our lives. Basically, what he said was that even if we aren't experiencing a high point in our life, if we're doing the day-to-day activities, it is still just as important- if not more. We still can do God's will; we can still do something meaningful. This really struck me hard. Right now, my boyfriend is experiencing one of those highs: jumping off cliffs, building relationships, being all holy in Indonesia. That's great- really great. I can't wait to hear of all the incredible things that God did through him and the rest of his team. But, how is what he's doing right now any more important than what I am doing here, even if I am stuck in Upland, IN? It's not. They are both apart of God's will. And I don't have to make J-term super meaningful through these great acts or finally breaking through to the girls on my wing. Just doing what God wants for me to do each day is enough, even if it's just hanging out with a wing mate and making silly movies.

So, I guess I'm learning to be content wherever I am. It's difficult for someone who is impatient, restless, and adventuresome. I clearly see that I am suppose to be here at Taylor, so why always be looking to the future when the excitement is right in front of my nose?

On a different note, this J-term is turning me into a morning person. Yay for suprises!

In the beginning

2008-12-19T20:07:00.000-05:00

This is weird, not gonna lie. Sharing my life with world- that could be dangerous. For quite a while, I've been thinking about joining the rest of society and becoming technologically "hip." I guess it's cool to be doing this thing, but part of me wanted to play the rebel and stay Amish. Considering that I am no where near even slightly being Amish, I have given in.

I doubt that this blog will be very insightful and mind boggling. In fact, it will probably be pretty boring and then eventually, I will give up just like journaling (although I am trying to pick it back up). Then again, it could become the next best thing. People could read my blog and come to realize that there is something great out there and their lives could be changed forever. I like that idea better.

I guess I should explain the title of the place where I will express my thoughts. Waiting patiently is how I would describe myself at this present time. Right now, my life feels very fajangeled. (Yes, I know that isn't a word.) On the one hand, there is a lot of crap going on. Being a PA is ridiculously hard. Being a PA to your friends is even harder. But at the same time, God is really blessing me. The weird thing is that the good and the bad intertwine in only a way that God can understand. Waiting patiently is me waiting to see where God is going with all of this. It's me waiting to see about my future, my friends, His will, trials, sorrows, joys, and hopes. This is not always easy. Actually, it's never easy, especially when you haven't seen anything good happen in a really long time. But it's during those times that you know something big is going to happen and you hear God saying, "Wait patiently."