Procrastination

I really don't understand why I don't just write in a journal instead of this thing but whatever. I'm getting bored with writing my rather large and abnoxious Pysch and Ed paper so I might as well return to this since I've fed my 10 pm hunger pains and there is pretty much no one on the wing right now.

Many ideas have been running through my head recently. This year has definetly been bombarded with a whole slew (I like that word.) ideas and issues to ponder over and question. This makes writing my paper rather difficult because everything I'm talking about (Spiritually among college students) I'm either facing or watching my friends face. Here are just a few of the things I've been thinking about: love, passion, compassion, service, social justice, race, purpose, duty, confrontation, contentment, joy, relationships, God, problems in the world, the poor, intentionality, image, responsibilty, being mentored and mentoring, truth, courage, being bold, saying exactly what I mean, being able to express emotions, friendships, and much more.

All this to say, I am very excited that it's almost summer and that as of right now I have no job. I know that when I get home, I'll get one, but it's great knowing that I can just relax and do whatever I want this summer. I think that considering that it's almost the end of the school year, summer will be a good time to process everything that I've been learning and experiencing this year. Right now everything is all disorganized in my head and I'm ready to put it together in some cohesive form. This semester has especially felt like I'm just zooming from one thing to another without anytime to really rest and it's catching up to me.

As of recently, I'm realizing how much I'm affected by the attitudes and actions of the people around me. This can be good because I can tell when people are struggling or can just get a feel for the mood and situation. But, at the same time, I can get really personal about it. I am by far a people pleaser and really hate when people are upset at me. Sometime when people seem distant or don't seem the same around me, I get super self conscious that I hurt them or did something wrong. I'm learning to be confident in what I do and say. This all sounds super egotistical, and it is, but it's also just a desire to give myself to others completely which really isn't always a good thing. People could easily step all over me.

With this, I'm seeing how horrible I am at expressing my emotions. For so long, I've been used to repressing any bad emotion and even some good. Part of this is because I don't know how to talk about myself. That sounds ridiculous right now because this entire blog has become devoted to writing about myself, but still it's true. Any time I try to express my thoughts, I always feel really confused and disjointed. But, I'm learning slowly thanks to the only reader of this silly blog. :-)

Typing all of this, I'm realizing how negative it sounds and know that past posts have sounded more down hearted too. So I want to leave this one on a good note.

In PA inservice a month ago, we were suppose to reflect on the year, so I pretty much made a pros and cons list. I was amazed to find out that I had more pros than cons and was super shoked. God is so amazing and through all that I'm learning, one big thing is that God doesn't just give us super hard things to deal with, but He intersperses encouragments too no matter how insignificant they seem. This brings me back to Psalm 23 where David says that not only will God lead through valleys of darkness but also green pastures and streams of living water. How exciting!

All this to say, I feel like myself again. I can be truly crazy again, and truly care and love again. Woohoo!